Myths of Romance – Lies of Courtship

June 21, 2012 at 8:31 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A friend posted an adorable picture on FB tonight – a beautiful golden lab and a little black and white kitten cuddling. I commented that it was pictures like this resulted me in having the hoard of quadrapieds that exist in my home.  That got me to thinking.  What happens in the courtship process that attracts two people to each other?  This question becomes more interesting to me in light of how many people are enacting their courtships online today.

Is it fair to say that the first point of contact with a potential prospect online is the picture?  Similar to real-life right?  Most of my relationships started with a mutual appreciation of each others “look”.  No doubt about it. Now things may have changed if the prospect opened his mouth and gibberish spewed out – that was definitely a deal breaker for me! I expected looks and intellect to work together.   Online relationships, I have found, are based on a lot of mythology.  First, let me say, YES I KNOW SOME OF YOU MET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE ONLINE!  Okay, now that is over.  Let me tell you a story.

Several years ago I did a talk about online dating to a womans group.  Of course there was one woman who had met her new husband through one of the sites.  I don’t remember which site she used  anymore.  Nevertheless she was the one in the group that had a counter to everything I said – very exhausting for a speaker.  Now here is an “I told you so.”  About five months after this we met for a coffee and she was very down.  I inquired as to what was up.  Well, you got it, she just found out her new husband was spending his lunch hours and travels meeting up with pretty well anyone listing on Craigslist.  Really?  As a private investigator that has followed many a person on their extra-marital liasons I can confirm that Craigslist listings were pretty bottom of the barrel.  She chose to stay with him.  Let me tell you about the lie in this courtship – This was not his first marriage nor his first infidelity.  But for some strange reason my client did not find out about this until after our investigation. Why did she not know this?  Desperate to marry? Did not hear what he said?  What my client saw was a reasonably attractive man in a powerful position that could provide her with the lifestyle she felt entitled to.  Both these people were in their early 60’s.  Their courtship was based on misinformation – he represented himself as a reliable and loyal partner- NOT.  She presented herself as an independent capable self-employed female – NOT.

Another client found that the father of her four children, under the age of ten, spent over $60,000.00 on hookers in the previous year.  He too spent a large chunk of his workday and off hours (including most family holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day) texting and booking appointments.  That marriage did not last.   I could not comprehend what attracted this incredibly intelligent woman to this boorish fairly average looking man.  What lies had occurred in their encounters? She thought she was marrying a family man.   He thought he was marrying a compliant partner and never expected, upon being found out, that she would turf his sorry ass out the door.  But she did!

I was sitting in my friends coffee shop one night, having just completed a talk on deal breakers in relationships, and a bunch of women, girls, and myself were googling one of the online sites for men.  Without fail, all the selections made were based on looks  first.  If we liked the picture were would read the writeups.

As an investigator I have found that most of the pictures posted are not completely accurate and often the information posted is less than accurate.  The lies of courtship.  The difference between online lies and in-person lies is simple – in person  you can see what is in front of you.  Unless you have horrific judgement and wear rose-coloured glasses you will not miss the nuances of lies.

Another client met their partner online and within seven days of intense communications by computer, phone and in person finally married on the 14th day of knowing this person.  Married this person on the 14th day!  During the course of the investigation I discovered that he thought he was marrying a woman that wanted to stay at home, raise children, could cook amazing meals (after all she was Italian); she thought she was marrying a world traveller – he regalled her with tales of his travels (the farthest he had ever travelled at that point in life was to Victoria BC).  This couple deliberately lied to each other – and build the foundation of their shaky marriage on these lies.

Lies of courtship – online these can be massive and uncovered.  In person – these can be massive and uncovered.  Too many people hire investigators after they are in these relationship messes !

My philosophy is that a private investigator should be hired to vet the person before you become too enmeshed.  In the long run it is cheaper – financially and emotionally.

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