SECRETS – HOW FACEBOOK HELPED !

July 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

So here I sit – about a week after this blog was supposed to go up.  But as most adults know – life interferes often with the best laid plans of men!  I had to write this blog even though it is in the middle of my series on life and love!  But it is about life and love – only not the romantic kind.  As you can imagine in my life I hear a lot of secrets.  I am like the confessional priest without the trappings!  If you met me in real life you would have no idea about the secret lives stored within my mind!  Stored on behalf of the many people that had to tell them to someone – secrets are hard to keep and hard to hide and hard to live with. Yes I have heard many of them.  The ones I want to talk about today are those that hit us in the heart – ones that we kept from our dearest and closest!   We live our lives as if these secrets did not exist and then time, our enemy, starts to chip away at the cracks.  The cracks become longer, deeper, more in need of attention.

Several years ago a dear friend that i had come to know through my daughters dance activities approached me about a recently revealed secret.  She was 52 and doing up a medical profile for her two teen daughters.  Her father had recently passsed away from heart disease so she thought it would be beneficial to put something together.  My friend is a highly organized woman!  Unlike the writer!  So she sat down with her mom to review the family history.  Her mom at this time was in her 80’s and her name, lets say, was Nancy.  Nancy said to her daughter, honey there is something I have to tell you.  The man that you know as your father and raised you was not your biological father.  Imagine that – finding out at 52 yrs. of age.  Does this change your life?

My friend, was stunned.  Apparently her mom had had a love affair with a man shortly after World War II in Germany.  She became pregnant and he had to leave for work – he never came back.  When she was about six months pregnant she met the man who became her husband.  They raised my friend and decided to never tell her.  Never is a long time isn’t it????   I am still unclear on when never arrives.  So after 52 yrs. the secret is out of the bag!  My friend hired me to find her real father.  I did – unfortunately he had passed away a few years earlier in Germany.  However he had married and had another four children.  But as you can imagine this secret was not well received by his wife – who had no knowledge of the events that preceeded her.   There was no happy ending to this story.

A lot of secrets revolve around the birth and adoption of children.  It is amazing to me that anyone actually grew up in their birth family.  I have lost count of the numbers of adoptive reunions I have worked on.  I would love to tell you all of them but, frankly, even I have forgotten some of the cases I have worked on – there have been just too many.  I can recall the ones that left a piece within me.  There is a common thread I have discovered in some of the cases I have worked on – love.  Several cases involved young couples that loved each other as teens but due to family pressure parted and gave their child up for adoption.  They all reunited after some years parting and had  more children.  These reunions can be happy and simultaneously sad for all involved.  As a mother I cannot imagine parting with my child at birth – which is one reason I try so hard to solve these cases.

A while ago I had a client approach to me to find her birth daughter.  I was able to do so and she was pleased with the information.  I had had an opportunity to speak to the daughter and could inform my client that all was well.  A few years went by.  The daughter contacted me on facebook – she had located Baker Street Agency!  I was fond of this young woman so I added her as a friend.  She was wanting contact with her birth mother and even though I had the information – I could not reveal it to her!  So I contacted the birth mother and spoke to her and added her to my facebook.  This is a very painful and difficult arena for some people and it takes time and courage to face one’s past.  So my client had time to have contact with her daughter indirectly through my facebook.  As an investigator I must maintain neutrality and professionalism and yet both these people wanted to know each other.   I knew that there would be a time when she would be comfortable and courageous enough to solicit contact.  They met recently and both are happy.

In this area facebook was a godsend – certainly twenty years ago this tool did not exist! Yes facebook is a tool investigators are thankful for – usually for other reasons.  But in this instance facebook was a neutral format – kind of like a meditative platform from which my client could move forward.    So thank you facebook for providing the format in which one secret was resolved.  This kind of family reunification makes me happy and gives meaning to my job.!

So secrets are all around us – hiding in the shadows, dodging questions, shutting down communication, and lingering —-lingering in the minds of those in possession of them.  I believe they all eventually surface – sometimes later than we want, sometimes causing unhappy endings, sometimes not allowing us to find answers for our questions!  Secrets and the resolution of them are the foundation of most of my work.

On a personal note to my beautiful darling daughter –  there is not such thing as a secret when your mom is a private investigator.  The tattoo is awesome!

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